A new day

This is my first new blog. I am a goal orientated person so I found that this will be the best method to get me back on track. Giving my self 12 months from today to get my life back togeather and live it the way I want. I have gotten to a place where I just dont know who I am any more. feel compleetly lost. I have been fighting bouts of depression on and off for months.

One of the mojor factors was coming out of a relationship where I compleetly lost my identlity and started reverting back to the person I had worked so hard getting away from when I had origionally lost 90 kilos.

I will develge into things more deeper as I continue to write. This is my basic story.

Back in auguest 2005 I started the long journey to loose 100 kilos. I have always been chubby my whole life. My weight has yo yo'ed over the years. Id loose a bit then put back on and this cycle just went on and on. Anyway.. I had one of those light bulb moments and decided to do something abut my weight. It took 2 years but I go to a pretty healthy place, things were going so well for me. Then I got into a relationship looking back on was the biggest mistake of of life. Plain and simple he wasnt the right guy for me. It was one of those relationships where I gave and gave and got nothing in return. He was emotionally stunted. The longer I was in the relatationship, little by little I began to loose my spitit. I got to the point where I had no self esteem, no self confidence, he made me feel ugly and worthless. After a while I started to belive those things for my self. Then everything lese in my life slided as well, freindships, work, everything.

At the end of it all after over a year of being in this toxic relationship I was dumped over the net. He didnt even have the balls or respect for me to talk to me in person. Id had been thing about ended it too for a while but doing it that way never ented in my mind. After it all ended I felt flat and depleeted. Its quite a few months later now, not once did I ever think I wanted this areshole back but whats been really hard to deal with is the lack of respect, felt like I was tossed to the side like a piece of shit, still feeling like im not good enough. Mind you he was out dating a few days after we split. I guess its easy to walk aaway from something when u dont put anything into it.

Straight after the break up UP i went into denile and some how got back the the gym and lost 15 kilos but when the anger and depression set in, i just felt so sad and usless. Ive kinda stayed in the depression for a while. Its a horrible place to be. Feeling like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I have been still blaming my self, thinking well I should done this and I shoulda done that. Truth is I didnt. I know shit happends and these things are just apart of life.

So... at the moment where am I?
I am living with my dad for the time being. I am aiming to get back into my own place after the new year. have decided to use this oportunity so try and save some money. Im still nursing, I eventually have plans of a career change but for the minute Im happy where I am. But I want to make the most of the work oportunitys I have in upgraiding my skills. I do have goals I have heaps of ideas and plans fior the next 12 months. Thats good I have that mut I can't rush things and take one day at a time. I know I can do all of this asIve done it before. I need to learn to belive in my self again. I figgure too this blogging will serve as a small part of therepy writing things down.

I have recently purchased some weights. I did them the other day and 3 days later my legs are still soar. tomoorw I should be ok to at least do some form of exercise.

so... from tomorrow will my first day of the rest of my life. No more negitive thoughts, only positive ones. whish me luck....

rach
xxx